The scoop on me

2004-05-06T19:53:00.000-06:00

Fri....no, Thursday:

I gotta get on a normal sleep schedule, the days are running together.

[insert happy dancing smiley here]

Today was a very, very good day. The Quest card was activated, and somehow I ended up with $300 credit. Better believe I not only went grocery shopping, I did some stocking up as well. Got $270-worth of food for $180....that's 32% less. I'm good at at least one thing ;) 'twas a bitch to push that cart home though.....everything fit much better before it was bagged up. At least the kitchen's full now (it's been SOOOOOO long since the freezer was full, I'd totally forgotten what a heavy fridge/freezer door can feel like), and there's plenty to munch on while we kinda-sorta quit smoking.

This afternoon, I received two checks from the bank....one was the 401k check, the other I guess was my last-last paycheck. It was enough to pay the rent and phone bill, finally get laundry quarters, buy cigs, pay back a couple people, and if we're lucky, B/r can get some necessary hormones. I'm sure I've forgotten something.........meh, at least my stress level has dropped significantly, and I can function closer to "normal" again for a while :)

All that flour we've eaten recently has caught up with us too.....my tummy's kinda annoyed with me now. We'll be having bacon and eggs and coffee tonite to help flush things out.....

Today's been a bit of a day off for me, since I spent so much time running around getting caught up -- tomorrow I'll head out and check on other things. Tonite, I'll work on other things that I've had to postpone.

'scuse me, Mother Nature wants to have a word with me......

2004-05-06T00:16:00.000-06:00

Wednesday?

dunno......

This'll be my last regular blog for a while, tomorrow the phone will go bye-bye for who knows how long (maybe until July, we'll see).

The Quest card (food stamps) will be active as soon as Friday, don't know when for certain though. Talk about fucked up -- oversights and miscommunications and passed bucks, oh my! At least I'll be able to buy food soon. Me and B/r have to attend their work program though.....B/r won't be able to and yet another reason to get her to a doc quick. I'm not sure I want to, since I'm already looking and the "seminar" location is a long ways away. Can't afford bus fare, bit too far to walk IMO, B/r would never make it either. I know I need to make the effort though, so we'll keep getting assistance. But after the aggravation they caused me........ugh, gotta swallow that pride.

((((swipes ketchup packets))))

Gotta walk there tomorrow anyway to check out a zillion things; if the phone's off, it'll be difficult to find a job so maybe I can get help with that.....there's all kinds of medical/disability/assorted other assistance prospects to check out, so I might as well see what happens.

I checked out Social Security -- nope, won't happen. Got a bag of food from the Cathedral, it might last until Friday (a few cans and a box of oyster crackers). No cash for cigs, so I've been munching, and we're taking advantage to quit for the time being. We'll start back up again I'm sure since this isn't as voluntary as we'd prefer......but hey, I've learn that you don't talk back to the Universe ;)

Found loads of things today: lots of partial cigs, a burger, scads of sugar packets (swiped, actually), a working ink pen, and 13 cents. Saw other stuff like drinks and papers and bus schedules, probably plenty I don't remember too. In the past few days I've also found some of those little keychain card thingies you get for discounts at the grocery store.....dunno why I've kept them, they aren't for nearby stores.....guess it's just cuz I'm a packrat by nature, even moreso now.

Found the state unemployment office too, after searching and walking all over. Got there after closing time of course (of course), going back tomorrow to see what I can see.

Across the street from the Capital is yet another little diner.......this particular corner is great for business, but great for non-business too it seems. Something new opens there every few months, and the latest place is hiring waitstaff, so I'll probably head that way tomorrow too. Got my paws on what seemed to be the last Subway application in town.....one nice little place inside a municipal building is accepting apps, and I think the little convenience store next to it is too.....

So.........after tomorrow, I'll hafta use the library computers.........whadda pain.

2004-05-02T01:36:00.000-06:00

y'know............it just occurred to me that in a twisted way, I'm very fortunate to be living in the über-metro part of a large urban area that has an obscenely high homelessness rate.

There's a lot of people to learn from. There's a lot of resources at my disposal. I can easily find something to smoke, something to eat, somewhere to sleep (I'm noticing nooks and crannies everywhere now, for probably more than just some reason), even places to bathe and poop. Being homeless would suck in a depressingly unfun way, but it wouldn't be that difficult. A little adventurous even.

note to self: it'd still suck

2004-05-01T23:51:00.000-06:00

Saturday:

The tobacco was gone already so I had to scrounge out the last of our disposed cig butts first thing in the morning. Got two cigs from it (left the rest for B/r), and checked some email over a trash cig and hot tea. Yay, whadda anecdote to tell someday. B/r checked around but couldn't score any cash or cigs, so I got dressed and went out wandering to see what I could drum up. Today I felt like brushing my teeth and hair; found some St. John's wart in the pantry the other night, and started taking some.....I think it might be helping already.

Oh yeah -- the paperwork for cashing in my Cash Balance account came in, so I filled it out quick and mailed it right back out. Should get around $3500-$4000 around July 1. Hope it won't be too late, and won't need to be wasted on paying off a zillion debts -- I hope it can be used for moving foward, rather than filling in holes in the past.

I first stopped at the nearby church where I got the food bank info, and used their phone to call T (who wasn't home) and the landlady. She was fine with waiting for the rent, and understood the situation; I'll just keep her updated, and take care of the late fees as soon as possible. G'head and assume I was extremely relieved -- I was.

Ended up at the Cinco de Mayo festival, where I got a couple free samples to eat and watched for dropped money and other valuables. Didn't find anything, and although I could've easily swiped a wallet or two, I didn't even think about it (and I'm glad I didn't); decided I should leave any hidden "treasures" for the homeless folks who live in that park anyway.

I've started checking dumpsters behind restaurants a lot more frequently -- the other day I saw a whole order of cinnamon sticks and half a pizza, both still in their boxes and in perfect condition. They were too far inside the dumpster though, and I was too worn out to go diving. B/r wouldn't have eaten it anyway, and although I apparently will eat disposed food (a bit more significant than charity food), if B/r won't eat it, neither will I. I won't eat while others go hungry.

Anyway, I visited an old friend whom I haven't seen in a couple years, and he loaned me $20. I got cigs (and it's very difficult to not chainsmoke now), then came home and emailed a couple people. I also called about the cat......and he's gone now. The severity of what I had to do will undoubtedly hit me later on, but it already feels "worse than awful" as I told someone else.

Well.......after I while I went to the grocery store and got $5 worth of groceries that should last a couple days, until the Quest card is activated (I'm actually very good at miserly shopping). Nabbed some sugar packets and soy sauce packets as well, and here I am.

Next I'll be cleaning up the kitchen, then I'll make chicken-fried steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, roti, and corn on the cob. We've eaten so little lately that even tho the portions will be scant (except the corn), we'll be full. Later I might work on that adult site (need to), or possibly work on a Sims project I had to abandon, but ought to get to a better stopping point while the phone's still on. Need to check craigslist.org too, see what's new. There's a couple job ads I never got around to calling about, one's for a Mother's Day thing, so the quick cash will be quite handy.

I'm glad I've accomplished so much the past couple days, and so much has worked out better than worse.....feels kinda good, and I'd like to spend tomorrow not worrying about anything, maybe do something unproductive like watch TV, ideally without feeling guilty for doing something unproductive. We shall see......

And........I'm watching myself turn into one of those little old men from the Depression era, who hordes sugar packets and counts pennies. I'll decide later if I'm happy about that or not.

2004-05-01T22:34:00.000-06:00

later Friday:

See if I remember this......it was cold and drizzly again, mostly snowing all day. Made for a fun walkabout ;)

I don't remember the order I did this stuff, but --

-- went to the bank, spoke with another former manager who didn't ask me how I was doing, was told to call the HR rep for that department; called her, learned she's out of town until next week, and I could call her cell number; couldn't because it's a local number and I'm too broke to use a payphone for local calls, and not interested in walking back home through the snow just to make a call that'll probably result in leaving a message/waiting forever/not getting the answer I need.

-- so I went to one of the public payphones and called the toll-free HR number. Learned that if a stock option isn't vested if we leave under certain circumstances (like mine), the options automatically terminate. So I learned I won't get money from there. Then switched to the 401k line because I'd received my paperwork for that, and the check's on its way: 70-80% of around $850, which will just cover the rent.

-- called Excel to see if LEAP had contacted them yet (just in case), learned they hadn't, and got the number I could call next week to find out faster.

-- wandered the building wondering what to do and watched for T to show up, got some more honey packets and checked around for discarded cigarettes; found several, along with a discarded McBreakfast bag that still had a whole potato-cake thing in it; T was either not working, parked elsewhere, or came in later.

-- I eventually left and ate the potato-cake, and found a shiny new quarter to replace the one I'd found last week (the day I saw M again) and lost on a wasted payphone call (the shitty day that was only redeemed by the gorgeous weather). Friday is apparently Quarter Day for me......at this rate, and if I hold onto them, I'll be able to do a load of laundry by the end of June. ((slaps hand for being so pathetic))

-- went to the Food Stamp office again and got my Quest card; it'll be activated by Tuesday, and I'll find out then how much I'll get. Was told to visit the medical center next door to check on Medicaid and other options; lucked out and got to speak to someone right away, and ended up with a card that'll get both of us cheap medical treatment and prescriptions; don't know yet if it'll cover hormones, or what I can do about urgent TG needs....need to check with a local transgender group to find out more.

-- went back to the bank hoping to catch the boss lady and ask if she could help in any way; didn't see her or anyone else, and finally left. Stopped by a store on the way home and got a book of matches.

-- got home and processed all the partial cigarettes, and ended up with a very large pile of good tobacco (that place is great for half-smoked cigs, lotta wasteful employees who take two puffs and run back to their desks, and smoke good namebrands to boot). Poked around online and found some great simple recipes, including some for yummy roti & chapati (Indian flat breads); made fried rice and experimented with corn meal and flour; made more pretzels, but couldn't finish because my hands were too tired to roll the dough. Finally went to bed, exhausted but glad I'd accomplished a couple things.

2004-04-30T05:09:00.000-06:00

Friday cont'd:

So tonite we've been rooting through the trash and squeezing out every bit of leftover tobacco from the butts. Got enough to make several cigs, so we're not freaked out from nicotine withdrawals.

A very good thing.

Nearly all the food's gone too, but maybe I can get some food stamps later today. I can at least check around the food banks, see what's available. Just hope we don't get something handed to us.....I'd much rather choose it myself, if it's at all possible. Yeah I know, beggars can't be choosers, but :P I don't want to end up with three cans of pinto beans and some baby formula.

Gotta lot to do today too -- need to go to the bank again and try to borrow some money......since I haven't been paid yet, we'll be hopelessly broke for quite a while. Plus, I need to find out what the hell is up with my employee status -- if my stock options were terminated, and that only happens if I'm terminated -- which I wasn't -- somebody somewhere has reeeeally fucked something up. After speaking with whomever, I'll call HR and check on my stocks again, see if they'll listen to reason. Doubt it, but if I stay in this mood, I'll raise a good deal of hell.

Go to the FS office again and hopefully speak with someone. Call the landlady (finally), make appointments for food bank visits, and maybe call about the cat.

Check the mail, and if the 401k paperwork appears, fill it out and return it pronto.

Figure out what else needs done.

Oh yeah -- I got my last check, it was $40. Woohoo. Got cigs and groceries, and the cash is all gone now......at least it lasted a week, did pretty good in that respect. Got my state tax refund too -- $270 or so. Stupid me did it online and checked the "Direct Deposit" box.......so since I was obscenely overdrawn, and the refund went straight into the account (I KNEW I shoulda gotten a check one more time), I'm now only moderately overdrawn......$140 or so. Won't stay there of course, the damn account's going haywire with all the bouncing and fees.

And, one of these past couple days I've tried to call home collect. Nobody was home, and I keep forgetting to try again. Need to, anything will help.

And I'm still freaked out about sending the cat to the animal shelter. God, please take care of him, at least let him get fixed up again. I miss him terribly, and hate that I couldn't do more to help him. I'm also horrified that it's the beginning of the end, and the worst is yet to come -- please God, don't let me and B/r end up the same way. Let us get things straightened out, and move on with our lives in a healthy way.

2004-04-30T00:22:00.000-06:00

Friday:

This'll be a recap of the week so far, so it'll be long.

Weekend:

Worked on the adult site. Think I got some things figured out.....but no site finished yet, can't get the chance to focus enough.

Monday:

Don't quite remember, but there was a lot of scrounging done......I know I called about cashing in my 401k, and the paperwork was sent out. I should get it in a week, "the check" (what I was told) a week after returning the paperwork, and my Cash Balance funds around July first.

Tuesday:

Finally got to work on the Food Stamps application, and printed out the LEAP application. Gathered what I'd need for my 11am FS appointment the next day; discovered I'd need a letter from work. Went down to the bank around 5 or so, hoping to catch my former manager. Didn't, but saw several former coworkers....one of whom stopped as he passed, and asked what was going on with me. I couldn't look at him for some reason, and just mumbled something about vacation. Felt awful afterwards. That night, I discovered a legit gaming site where I might be able to work up a few bucks, a little at a time. GameAccount.com, if anyone's interested. Cool place so far, but you'll need Macromedia Shockwave (they take care of that too, if you don't have it).

Spent our last few dollars on a pack of cigs and bag of Top tobacco (so we'd have tobacco and papers) -- B/r had gotten some comp weed so her pains and headaches were in check again, but I had to get thirty bucks by the first.

Wednesday:

Beautiful day, which made up for all the shitty stuff.

Got up early, but the morning was wonky and distracting, so I was almost late to the Food Stamp office (wasn't, just tired from walking so fast). Waited an hour and a half, and learned that I'd been skipped over before the person who was supposed to see me went to lunch. It was nice and quiet until the 1 o'clocks arrived -- someone needed help filling out his forms, several small children loudly ran loose, Number 25 couldn't speak English and didn't know he'd been called, Number 26 was helped but nobody behind the counter made note of it and kept calling for him, and some long-time recipient was loudly and obscenely bitching about nothing at all and subsequently stressing out the whole room. So, the woman behind the counter copied what I'd remembered to bring, then told me to watch my mailbox for a response within a week and shooed me out. I'd forgotten my Social Security card of all things (just assumed I had it), forgotten to hand her a medical bill, and still needed a letter from work. Decided I'd gather the rest and return later with the LEAP application (since that office was in the same building).

Went to the bank to track down that letter; my manager was in and told me I had to call the Human Resources number and get some referral numbers, that's the only way it was done now. Didn't ask how I was doing or anything, which bothered me.

I went upstairs to use a payphone that's in a normally quiet area. Called HR and started to get complete instructions on that referral procedure, just as a meeting let out and a herd of well-dressed and poorly-mannered women gabbed and stampeded to the bathrooms (located by the phone). I asked them repeatedly to please be quiet -- when someone's on the phone, you're supposed to shut the hell up, and they looked like the kind of dames who damn well knew it -- and they replied with seething glares and continued chatter. Five minutes later I finally learned the procedure and got my referral numbers.

Switched over to the stock option section, and learned my shares had been terminated. According to their FAQ section, that only happens when you're fired -- and I wasn't fired. Still need to check back on that and find out what exactly happened.

By this point I was very stressed and struggling to contain my emotions. I called Excel to learn where I stood with them, and spoke with the same woman who'd referred me to LEAP a month or two ago. She chided me for applying at the last minute, even when I explained that I hadn't qualified until the last minute. The shut-off date is May 6th, but if my LEAP app is accepted, that date will be postponed for an undetermined amount of time.

Called Qwest.....shut-off is also the 6th, and I'm SOL as far as they're concerned. Pay it or do without.

Last call to make was to the landlady, but it was a local call so I had to spend money. Used the quarter I'd found last week.......got her voicemail. Left the number and waited half an hour, and of course she didn't call back (or that phone didn't accept incoming calls). As I waited, another former coworker left the bathroom and asked if I was back; I just told her I'd quit so I wouldn't be fired for being late so much. She offered her condolences, but rushed to work.

I had half a cigarette that I'd found earlier that day around the Food Stamp office, so I stepped outside to smoke it, and recoup. Went back inside, to finish recouping. Checked the time -- nearly 3:30 -- had over an hour to get home, grab what I needed for the applications, and return to the FS office before they closed at five.

I stopped at a nearby church on the way home to ask about food banks, and waited fifteen minutes for them to find and print out updated info. They didn't have anything there, I'd have to call elsewhere and make more appointments. But I could also stop by certain locations at certain times, and get lunch. So that was something.

Went home, did the LEAP application, gathered up most everything (asked the apartment manager for a rent receipt, and after his little attitude display he said he'd slip it under the door later) and went back to the Food Stamp office. Got there shortly before five -- learned they close at 4:30. Went home and finally tried to relax.........we scrounged up something to eat (don't remember what), and I later made homemade pretzels because it only requires a few ingredients that we actually had (except fresh yeast, old yeast still seemed to work).

Thursday:

We'd used up all the rolling papers but still had a little tobacco left, so I went up the street to a former neighbour's to get some extra papers, and the guy actually answered the door for a change. Had a cigarette, which helped me calm down (which was a very good thing at that point), then wandered aimlessly online for a little while.

Around 2pm, I went to the local shopping area to jobhunt and try to see the former coworker whom I'd seen the day before by the payphone. She works at the grocery store, but by the time I realized she wouldn't be leaving until three, I was already down there.....and today, it was cold and drizzly. Checked for jobs, of course nobody's hiring (except the coffeeshop where I'd never last), tried to see the coworker whom I'd thought would've helped, but she'd already left.

So I went home, warmed up, ate a pretzel, collected my wits and papers, and went up to the FS office again. Got there just as they were leaving, but handed over two of the three things I'd forgotton on Wednesday; I'd forgotten something again, go figure. I asked if I'd be able to speak with someone the next day, and was told I could. I turned in my LEAP app, was told since my account was on termination notice the app would be an "emergency" and postpone the termination for 90 days.

I walked to the bank to call Excel (had an itch), and started feeling a smidge better about things. Excel said the termination wasn't postponed yet, and that LEAP would have to do their thing first -- of course, gotta wait for the paperwork to be processed. I need to check back later and see how it's going....makes sense. But still a bit bothersome....kinda shattered what little good feeling I had.

Waited around at the bank, just in case someone might pass by on break....nobody did, and I was dozing off. I swiped some honey packets from the little cafe there (ate two, never eaten condiments as a meal before but figured honey's a bit more than a condiment) so we'd have something for the pretzels, then toured the ashtrays on the way home and scored some half-cigs.

Got home and learned that the cat was not only incredibly sick, he was extremely near-deathly sick. B/r had called some vets, but nobody could come get him or would help him for free (or close to it); the animal shelters would though, but that meant giving away the cat. So when the cat came back in the house, he was yowling and obviously in great pain; something was very, very wrong with his intestines, and he REALLY needed to pass something. Not knowing what else to do, and feeling I had no other choice, I called the animal shelters.........and only Animal Control was able to come out.

So we gave away the cat tonite, and tomorrow -- if I can, not sure I'll be willing or able to -- I can call to see what their vet could do, and what Zig's fate is........

Needless to say, I collapsed in uncontrollable sobbing after the Animal Control guy took Zig. I've been a tad stressed, and losing the cat was too much to handle.....the dam broke, and boy did it break good.

to be continued...

2004-04-23T03:06:00.000-06:00

Friday

Wednesday and Thursday were pretty uneventful. I've slept quite a lot lately, felt bad for it, but at least I'm not as sick as I was. Out of coffee though. Which sucks.

Tomorrow I'll be trudging through the snowstorm to see if I qualify for Food Stamps. I checked a site earlier today, and it pretty much said "crap, you need immediate help," so it was awkwardly refreshing to see someone agree that my current situation's rather bad. Hopefully they'll say the same at the Food Stamp place, might even get a few bucks right away. We have food, but it's not going to last.

Haven't gotten my PIN yet, so I don't know exactly how much my 401k will be; however, I did find a statement from the last quarter which said I had roughly a thousand dollars, which was what I'd guessed. That'll pay the rent, maybe something else. Depends on how overdrawn I am by then, whether or not we can pay late yet again, and who else tries to stake their claim. After that at some point, I should get four grand from my Cash Balance plan, might not be until the first of June though.......be nice if that happens. Very nice. Helpful even.

Tonite I think I'm going to step out and see if I can scrounge up cig money. Might try out some of these vending machine.......methods.......I've heard about. Not sure yet, but when you're penniless, you're penniless.

Yesterday was moderately better, moderately more difficult.........I went to another grocery store to see if they'd take a check -- didn't, Telecheck's got me on their shit list now (again) -- and as I drew near, I spotted someone quite attractive getting into his vehicle at the end of the street. The profile was familiar........I glanced in while passing, and it was M. He gave me a ride, so that was two nice things that happened -- it was raining, so a ride was welcome, and I got to see M.

The next good thing that happened was finding a quarter on the street.

The not-so-good thing that happened was spending the rest of the day getting M out of my mind. He has a daughter, and his life isn't perfect, but nowhere near as screwed up as mine. We've only run into each other a few times since we met two or three years ago, but I still feel as though we're already acquainted. It's odd, almost cosmic in a "New Age" kinda way.......and as much as it hurts, I need to stay away from him. Too much drama and overal BS content, I'd just drag him down.

On a lighter note, I'm trying out the online porn industry now, to see if I can make a few bucks that way too. Bloody confusing to do though...

2004-04-21T00:25:00.000-06:00

Wednesday, a.m.

Am I a coward or less of a "man" because I don't want to get a couple hundred dollars for being in an amateur porn video?

I'm really confused about that one......most of me thinks I'm not, but part of me does...........and now that I know it's an option, I can't stop thinking I should do it..........

I'm feeling a bit better too, btw. Not hacking as much, spent most of the day sleeping (and feel very guilty for doing so, even though I needed the rest). Let's see what later today brings....

2004-04-20T15:29:00.000-06:00

Dangit......

I need to learn how to type less. I talk too much.

Sorry 'bout that.

2004-04-20T14:47:00.000-06:00

Tuesday...

I'm sick.......

It comes and goes. Ugh, hating this mucho. Started back on Thursday or Friday, I thought it was just a little "baby cold" or something. Slightly sore throat, followed by slight congestion and ickiness.....then it pretty much went away by Sunday. I'd had it before, and kept thinking "jeez, colds have gotten so harmless these days, glad it's not the flu".......

But then yesterday, I started feeling like I was sick, feverish and chills, hacking up unpleasant things. This morning I remembered that the last couple times I felt that "baby cold" coming on, it ended in several days of nasty coughing and hacking. And it comes and goes, one minute (like now) I feel okay, but after a bit I'll spend ten minutes getting up to.........well, get rid of all this phlegm. It's pretty gross.

Shya..........so anyway, today's plans: call for help with the light bill, see if any of those charities still have money (I was led to believe there's a special program to help defer my energy costs, but turns out there's just a list of charities to call, see if they have money that month).

No word on that site promotion job, so piss on 'em. Placing an ad but not replying in a reasonable amount of time to say whether or not the job's still available, makes me question how the business is run.

Need to either get some toilet paper somewhere, or write another bad check at another grocery store. Timing's weird, not sure what to do.......on the one hand, writing the check now will look bad (I'm sure it's quite illegal), but the bank has taken to paying for these checks so at least it wouldn't go unpaid for a long time.............on the other hand, there's one other major store nearby where my check wouldn't be instantly rejected, and I'd prefer to save a trip until later, when it'd be needed more...........on the other hand (humour me), I need stuff now too, and would rather stock up...........

I'll think of something. Gonna head out in a bit to do some job hunting, even though it's a bit late in the day. There's a couple bars nearby, one in particular where I'd like to see someone to tell them I may be leaving town soon, sorry we never got to hook up.........not sure of my priorities there, seeing them one more time, or seeing if the place needs help.......

Not planning on bankruptcy right now, but probably should at least get a free consultation, since I may have a bit of cash arriving in a few weeks and that'd probably affect things. Need to find out what the effects on my living situation will be too, whether or not the landlord will evict us or give us a chance to pay up a couple month's of rent after the first........she's a good gal, and she'd do what she could..........but patience only lasts so long.........

I really should get to bed no later than midnight too.....probably won't, so I'd like to do some work on this site and one about the HUD refund scams. Doubt I'd get any sort of income from that, but I've considered contacting people myself to tell them they're due a refund, but instead of retaining part of the refund for myself, let it be an optional donation if they're so inclined....

Ach. I hate trying to function while I'm phlegmy. It's sooooooo gross and distracting.

2004-04-19T19:57:00.000-06:00

Later on Monday...

So............

Spoke with the bank -- my account's just plain screwed, no news there. But I did learn that some dubious charges were basically legit (just not described well), I'm being excessively paranoid about the bank and my account (still don't trust them), and as it turns out, it's per state regulations that a bank -- any bank -- has to post debits to the account in order of largest amount to smallest. Here's why (and I couldn't help but crack up at the phone bank gal, she was so excited that she actually knew this): over time people have been so concerned that their house payments, car payments, and other large-dollar charges be posted to their accounts, every US state except Arizona has made it manditory that the larger charges be posted first, so that housing and vehicle payments won't bounce and result in evicitions and repossessions.

Should I bitch now about how the more financially well-off are catered to at the expense of the struggling little guy, or can we just assume that someone somewhere has already ranted on that particular street corner?

((sigh)) Yeah I know, there's a good reason. Still sucks that a couple $4 purchases cost me over a hundred dollars. I've been feeling unnecessarily incensed, doesn't help things at all -- I still don't like Wells Fargo, and I know I'm not the only one AND we have good reason to not like them. But it gets to the point of being paranoid......anyhoo, my account's screwed, and when it's no longer overdrawn I can close it.

Then........called HR. They said I can cash in a 401k and a cash balance plan, and in a week I can set up my PIN number to access that stuff. It'll take a couple weeks to get some, a month or two to get the rest. I may also be able to cash in my stock options right away.....gotta wait until the first of the month for this to happen though, it'll take some time to receive any funds, and overall it should get me at least a couple thousand dollars. Huge help.

I still don't like that bank, by the way :P and because this isn't immediate help, I still have to find other employment as long as I'm living here.

So about that: still haven't heard about that site promotion job (I'll stop considering it if I don't hear anything by tomorrow, they've had time to repl to my email); got a couple apps for nearby places like a bookstore and Office Depot; Blockbuster does their applications by a little phone thing in the corner; I can't even walk into the nearby bar, how can I expect myself to be in an amateur porno -- so that's pretty much out (and I'd probably regret it later anyway); and I have a stack of all the little job papers, and lots of job ad sites bookmarked, so probably for the next few days I'll have a routine of calling, searching, calling, surfing, etc.

Which reminds me, I have to start sleeping during the nighttime again, get back on a "normal" schedule. Gonna be hard when I've been so tired lately anyway, and keep napping in the afternoon......((slaps hand))

What else.........the light bill. No disconnect notice has gone out yet, but when it does I can call back to plead my case, and get it extended. Tomorrow I can call a few places that provide assistance as well.

And while I'm at it, I'll check around for food donations. Forgot to pick up paper while I was out today, which is just as well since that stuff's a step below tree bark anyway.

Finally -- "stuff." "gonna." "phone thing." No wonder I have so much trouble getting ahead in this world. Might consider working on that.......I've realized that I also have trouble with.......well, thinking. My head gets filled up too easily, searching and focusing and learning become difficult, and concentration takes a lot of effort now. Never really used to, not as much anyway. Should have that checked out too.

2004-04-19T10:11:00.000-06:00

Monday Apr.19

It occurred to me as I went to bed that I haven't mentioned a couple things. To better understand my plight, they should be mentioned.

Haven't had enough money this year to keep up with the laundry -- therefore, since about mid-December, we've done three loads. I splurged at the beginning of April and set aside a couple bucks for laundry quarters........and the day that everything I wore was clean felt like a special day. That's just not right.

The other thing is, I need to call the HR department of my former employer, and find out where I stand with the crap they'd given employees (401k's, stock options, etc.). I'd checked a couple months ago to see if I had any of that stuff that could be cashed in, since people always say "cash in your 401k" to help raise emergency funds. What they fail to mention is (or somebody's given me incorrect info), you have to have been putting money into the damn thing first. Like I could afford that on top of benefit deductions, garnishments, inaccurate W2 info (which wasn't fixed until last year, for a few reasons), and periodic unexplained salary "adjustments" that weren't to my benefit.........with everything else going on in my life, learning more about a 401k was very low on the priority list.

Yeah, I'm naive when it comes to getting by in this world. I have no idea how to buy a house or condo, buy a car, save for retirement, write a resumé.........mortgages and stocks and career advancements are a total mystery to me..........and the fact that I don't know these things, but everyone else does, makes me feel stupid. I realize I could learn, but I've tried, and the knowledge hasn't stuck at all. I feel like I'm supposed to be limited to renting and 1040-EZ tax returns.

Bah, enough of me bashing on me. That's just where I've been before, there's a lot I know I should know, some I've tried to learn, but I'm still a total noob to Life. And I wanna wear clean socks again someday.

Something you're never ever taught as a child, and should never need to learn, is that wearing clean socks isn't supposed to be a major goal in life, but could be.

So another phone call I gotta make today is the company HR department. Maybe I'll be glad I called.

2004-04-19T03:52:00.000-06:00

The plan:

No job. No money. No possessions. Very little time. And no credit card debt.

That last one's important. Every "debt relief" resource I look into is designed for credit card debt. Not "I'm just down-right impoverished" debt. So far, I'm finding little to assist me there. No wonder the economy's so screwed up. If you're below a certain level of "averageness," you're SOL.

And that's why I'm leery of declaring bankruptcy. I'd checked it out a couple times in the past, and I'm pretty sure it doesn't help those of us who just can't pay for food, shelter, and utilities. The Basics.

Yeah, I can get food stamps -- didn't qualify last week, do now -- and maybe I can get some help from LEAP too, for the light bill. Another phone call to make tomorrow. And there are food banks nearby........public toilets (free paper)..........restaurants who throw out perfectly good food in the evenings ("I didn't order it with onions").........the weather's nicer. Hitchhiking instead of a bus ticket. There's still options, I know that.

And if I do declare bankruptcy -- which I should be allowed to, since I'm bankrupt -- the fee can be paid out over time, and from what I understand, it can go into effect within a day or so. Still okay there as well. I'm just afraid that the "debt" which is wiped out or postponed by declaring bankruptcy, only applies to credit cards and other similar debts. Not the light bill, and not rent. I know it probably won't help with a seriously overdrawn checking account (which I'm planning to abandon until I can afford to lose more money to that damn bank, and I'm getting another account at another bank anyway once I have money for it). Heck with how it'll look for me later, I'm already planning to work on rebuilding credit once I'm back on my feet. Also helps that bankruptcy isn't the black mark it used to be....

Job possibilities:

So far, I'm awaiting word on a site promotion job with a local website. I know where I can get a quick $150 for being in a porno (even if I talk myself into it, I doubt they'd want me...I look better with the lights off). I'm in a part of town where there are lots of places who'll take an application and give me some part-time hours. The Sunday job ads just came out. I've found a couple ad places online that I can watch, for new job postings. Lawns need to be trimmed soon, and gardens need to be tended now. There are even two temp agencies closeby, where I can wait for a daily job with the migrants.

I'm still worried that I won't find anything worth having, and/or I won't find it fast enough.

I'm very scared that in a couple weeks when the rent's due, I won't be able to pay it, and we'll have to leave. I don't want to live on the streets, I'll never survive. Just too soft.

And that's why, IF homeless in inevitable, I'm planning to just pack up a couple boxes, throw 'em in a shopping cart, and push the damn thing back home. To be honest, that doesn't sound so bad (initially), and I'm sure it'd be a real adventure. I'd be sure to take notes, so I could blog it later.......

But I'm also worried for my ex -- and I have very good reason to be worried. So essentially, I'm paying for two people to survive, not just one. Many people haven't understood that, and would rather lecture me about thinking only of myself. I know I need to think of my own survival, but right now, I know the details of my situation, they don't. So I have to survive for two people.

Yikes. Wrote more than I thought I had........time to wrap this up. I think this is pretty current anyway........tomorrow, I find out a LOT of stuff.

Oh -- and I won't be getting a tax refund this year. I was due one for state and federal, but it'll go towards back taxes.......which will keep the IRS off my arse for a while longer. Least there aren't any wages to garnish, and a thousand bucks won't merit prison time.

2004-04-19T02:55:00.000-06:00

Here's where I'm at now:

Over time I'd developed a nasty habit of borrowing against my next paycheck, every paycheck. Vicious cycle there, I tell you what. More has been going out than coming in, and it's finally caught up with me. Some of it's my fault, some isn't.......don't care where the finger should point right now though. Gotta fix things first.

I don't own anything of value -- no car, no home, no stocks, nada. Got some books and CD's (not the $ kind), clothes, dishes..........like that. Usual house junk. Some of it though is very important for me to hold onto. I've tried selling things -- hasn't worked yet, and the one thing I want to sell that'd be worth selling, I can't -- and don't have anything that'd make for enough equity or collateral, so loans etc. are out.

So........I owe bunches of money for basic living. But the laughs don't stop there: I'm on temporary unpaid leave from my job, while I get shit straightened out. That means there's no money coming in at all. I'm probably not going to get anything on my final paycheck; if I do, my overdrawn account will suck it up. I'm writing bad checks just to have food in the house. I've learned how to shoplift properly and rip-off vending machines, card, and even pull a number of scams.

I don't want to know any of this stuff. Managed to not use any of that knowledge so far, but boy have I been tempted. I'd much rather know most of how things are done, strictly for writing research -- but not enough details to commit the crime. Doesn't help that my bad memory isn't kicking in yet.

Which reminds me (the irony isn't intentional): last week I spoke with my parents, after months of avoiding it because I owe them money. They were glad to hear from me, understand I'm in a bad situation, and willing to do what they can to help. That's not much though, they're not Rockefellers (or "Trumps," for the kiddies). Spoke with Dad first -- who has a bit of recurring cancer in his hip -- and he informed me that the Alzheimer's which runs in my mom's side of the family has begun to rear its fugly head. Mom's doing great, but she's always been a little dingy and forgetful, it's even worse now.

(And have I already mentioned this on my site? Dunno.)

So I need to get home soon, I'm hoping by this summer. Dad's gonna need a lot of help around the house, and........well, I need to take care of the folks. That's just what you do, right?

Tomorrow (later today, since it's nearly 4am), I'm going to start job-hunting hard, call the utilities and landlady to establish my current status, and look into declaring bankruptcy. Probably Chapter 7, I'd prefer 13, but hey, I have less than a dollar, and that was just change I found on the street.

I'm scared. Very, very scared.

And angry. Aggravated. Sorry. Minutely hopeful.

But mostly scared.

2004-04-19T00:24:00.000-06:00

(((patient sigh)))

........~~an hour~~ a "Showtime at the Apollo" and assorted other distractions later............

Official "First Post" here.

For those who are interested enough to read this thing, I'll try to keep it as updated as possible. Since I'm facing the loss of electricity soon, possibly the loss of a home too, I can't make any guarantees. Gotta set priorities y'know ;)

To start with, I've found myself in one hell of a pickle after.........let's say fifteen years. Nice and even. Started out in my own place just after graduation, paid $150 for monthly......no, wait.......monthly rent + water, $10 for cable, and $20 each for phone and lights. Or somewhere there'bouts. Food was cheap, I didn't smoke much, and didn't have any loans to pay off. Life was good -- but I didn't realize it until much later. Now, or so.

$300 a month to have an apartment with some amenities and food, average-ish, and earning about $400 a month as a manager at A&W in the mall (the root beer place). I could've done a lot then with an extra $100 or so....but I screwed it up. Looking back, there were a lot of great memories from that time. Awesome little place too, a basement apartment in a nicer edge of Downtown, I had lots of plants and a cat who'd adopted me. Theodore, who ironically ate only the heads off of Teddy Grahams. Used to drink outta the toilet too, 'til I caught him one day -- one flush put an end to that bad habit </ebil>

Then a bunch of crap happened...........fast forward over living in a gorgeous part of Texas with a grandmother whom I love, but had said some malicious things to me that no Christian should ever mean; six months living in my car; a brush with death and two individuals whom I still believe were real angels; a lot of experiences with Christianity and its followers, which left a very nasty taste in my mouth (only somewhat "literally," I did have a bad experience with a communion host once....but that can wait 'til later); being only one of two adults who got the "Nixon" joke in Star Trek VI one night the summer I experienced pot (one should never go too long without seeing one of the original Trek movies); massive up's and down's on the Self-Esteem Roller Coaster; trading sexual favours for attention and the inevitable, painful, regretful, and difficult-to-clarify heartbreak; an almost-heart attack and a nervous breakdown; an attempt at Optician certification; living with an ex for nine months; meeting someone I'd spend the next ten years with; experimentations with self-identity, apartment management, and home improvement; and the realization that computer usage can be a serious addiction.

That's my life crammed into a nutshell; I'd recommend pointing it away from you if you want to open that nut, as there's a LOT more shoved in there and you could hurt yourself ;)

I'm gonna stop right there too, and start another post. Don't think people like reading novella-blogs anyway.

2004-04-19T00:17:00.000-06:00

okay.........fifteen minutes later.........I've decided CSS will never be my forte, but I can certainly dabble with the best of 'em. Like Mamma always said, "If in doubt, fake it."

((*note: not my mamma, but I'm sure somebody's Mamma has said that))

Anyway.....try this again, see if the duplicate got deleted (I'm good at grammur, can ya tell), then make a real post.

Might even leave these here, just for giggles.

2004-04-18T23:55:00.000-06:00

GAK!

'kay, so I've finally gotten the tukus in gear and made it in here while I had a few minutes and wasn't about to fall asleep. Speaking of which, bR is stirring......oughta make this quick, but that won't happen.

First off, I gotta figure out how my blog's gonna look. brb, might as well do it as the first entry here.......

.....hmm........they've changed things since the last time I was here......lotsa new thingies to click on.......normally I'd find that fun ;)